Emotions are real
Dear Younger Me,
I wrote you another letter earlier today… it’s in the trash. I wrote it because I didn’t want to write about the change that happened recently. That letter was garbage because I didn’t want to be vulnerable with you. Sometimes when I’m in pain, I try to mask what’s happening with a smile, joke or change of subject (the first letter). I’ve grown to learn the only way to heal is to acknowledge the pain is real and respond appropriately.
Emotional and physical pain are so similar yet different. Physical, you don’t have to explain to others because they can see it. For example, when you broke your cheek you didn’t have to tell others you hurt because the swelling of a melon on your face with blood marks designed like baseball stitches did the talking for you. You didn’t “sleep” it off. You went to a hospital. Yet when you fell off a bike, you cried, put on bandages and later got back on. Physical and emotional pain come in a variety of degrees yet the response is different due to the circumstance and severity.
Emotionally, you might be let down when your best friend is never around on your birthday because that’s always when their family celebrates their birthday (yes, the downside to growing up with a best friend that’s also your birthday buddy) but the disappointment fades after acknowledging it. Now, moving to a new town and having no “friends” caused a different range of emotions. Both cases of missing the presence of a friend, yet the pain was real with a range of time and responses to overcome it.
After setting the scene, let’s be real. I have felt nearly every emotion this past week, which has made my current circumstance difficult to be transparent about. I have felt the grief of a relationship and dreams of what a future might look like. I have experienced gratitude for the season that ended and the relationships near me through the change. I have experienced frustration at myself that I let myself fall for someone to now walk away from the relationship. (I have grown but still struggle letting people close to my heart because I know I am giving someone else power to injure it. Though I get frustrated that I let it happen because this type of pain terrifies me, I am proud of every time I allow myself to love others (a boyfriend or friend) wholeheartedly. In that vulnerable space/when I’ve allowed others to see my heart is where I’ve experienced the fullness of relationships). I have experienced love from my sister in a way that currently is bringing tears of joy to my eyes (she’s good at that… haha you’ll understand that quote later). I have experienced excitement for new goals and dreams. I have smiled at beautiful simple moments, like helicopters falling from trees on a walk. I have felt proud of how I’ve grown.
A chapter has ended. I want you to know having emotions about it is healthy. If I felt nothing then I’d be concerned. I am happy to know I care and the ability to feel. Like reading a good book or watching a good show you might feel a range of responses when a change comes. Just to name a few: laugh, cry, cheer, yell, speechless, cover your eyes and etc.
You may have put a period on a memorable chapter, but hold the pen with expectation because there are endless pages still to be written. Pretending a chapter away would do us no good because I believe it holds context and details that are relevant to the rest of the story. Don’t forget the character development or the beauty within the lines. Maybe the direction of the story looks different than you thought a few pages ago. Allow yourself to get lost in the wonder of the possibilities of the blank page you see. We will see many chapters end and an equal amount of new beginnings.
If you feel nothing then you just read a lousy book. You know you’ve read a great book (or watched a good movie) when it makes you feel something. If today is another page in a story then I encourage you to embrace what will make you feel. You are alive, but running from what makes you feel will leave you numb. I challenge you to chase after what makes you feel because just maybe you’ll find yourself writing a worthwhile storyline.
Though the endings are sad. I look back and am grateful that it happened. Though beginnings are scary. I see dreams that I can’t wait to chase and discover the sentences waiting to be written.
With Love,
Older You
P.S. If you find yourself in a storm. Take a minute to dance in the rain. #noregrets